the weather this weekend has matched my mood perfectly. rainy. friday we were faced with the second biggest "fear" in this whole journey...we had to go meet with the funeral director. to say we've been putting this off is an understatement. it's hard to plan a funeral for a baby who's still very much alive, truthfully i felt guilty. i feel guilty in making the preparations, like i'm giving up on her or something. initially it was hard to sit there and not pick up my purse and run crying out of the door, but halfway through i began to find an inner strength about me. i felt as if i was protected from the overwhelming grief that was coming over me (for the umteenth million time since june) and suddenly i was at peace with our situation. i guess that's how you know people are praying for you to help you through the storm. there's really no other explanation for it.
we got a lot accomplished at this morning's doctor's appointment. we were finally able to meet with the midwife who'll be delivering Ava and leave the office with more answers than questions. due to my blood pressure issues and our desire to meet Ava alive we decided to go ahead and induce labor. initially i felt relief that there is finally a plan in place, but the more i think about it i'm even more scared that now there is a plan. scared that now we've chosen her birthday and more than likely the day she'll leave us for heaven also. again...guilt has set in. Ava has been such a precious gift and i don't want to give her back, but i will do what God asks of me and trust that He'll tell her about us and how much we love her. for now i'll hold onto the hope that on monday, october 11th she'll arrive alive and we can tell her how much we love her face to face...even if just for a few minutes.
Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10
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