Preparing

the weather this weekend has matched my mood perfectly. rainy. friday we were faced with the second biggest "fear" in this whole journey...we had to go meet with the funeral director. to say we've been putting this off is an understatement. it's hard to plan a funeral for a baby who's still very much alive, truthfully i felt guilty. i feel guilty in making the preparations, like i'm giving up on her or something. initially it was hard to sit there and not pick up my purse and run crying out of the door, but halfway through i began to find an inner strength about me. i felt as if i was protected from the overwhelming grief that was coming over me (for the umteenth million time since june) and suddenly i was at peace with our situation. i guess that's how you know people are praying for you to help you through the storm. there's really no other explanation for it.

we got a lot accomplished at this morning's doctor's appointment. we were finally able to meet with the midwife who'll be delivering Ava and leave the office with more answers than questions. due to my blood pressure issues and our desire to meet Ava alive we decided to go ahead and induce labor. initially i felt relief that there is finally a plan in place, but the more i think about it i'm even more scared that now there is a plan. scared that now we've chosen her birthday and more than likely the day she'll leave us for heaven also. again...guilt has set in. Ava has been such a precious gift and i don't want to give her back, but i will do what God asks of me and trust that He'll tell her about us and how much we love her. for now i'll hold onto the hope that on monday, october 11th she'll arrive alive and we can tell her how much we love her face to face...even if just for a few minutes.

Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10 

Lazy

wow, i've got to be the world's laziest blogger. i guess we've just been so busy that every time i try to sit down to write i get distracted (those with preschool aged kids can totally relate!). the last 2 weeks have flown by really. trying to keep things as normal as possible for boog during the never ending doctor's appointments which is not an easy task. my blood pressure has sky rocketed recently and it doesn't look like ava darling will be with us much longer. my body no longer wishes to cooperate and continuing the pregnancy is becoming very risky to my health. i'm not entirely ready to say goodbye, but i do have another child that i very well can't leave without a mother. tough decisions are ahead, but i'm so very thankful my husband's command is allowing him to stay home as long as we need so that we can be together during the difficult days ahead. god's blessings through this have been so very evident. i've met some pretty amazing people who've managed to befriend me during my darkest days and not complain about my gloominess (i swear i'm not usually a down and out kind of person), my husband's co's and their wives have shown us compassion and support beyond our wildest dreams, our families have wrapped their arms around us and complete strangers have reached out. i'm truly amazed at how god has used people to show us his love and plan in all of this. lesson learned the past 2 weeks: it's okay to ask and receive help when you need it! for those of you who know me well, i never ask for help with anything so this is definitely new territory :)