Preparing

the weather this weekend has matched my mood perfectly. rainy. friday we were faced with the second biggest "fear" in this whole journey...we had to go meet with the funeral director. to say we've been putting this off is an understatement. it's hard to plan a funeral for a baby who's still very much alive, truthfully i felt guilty. i feel guilty in making the preparations, like i'm giving up on her or something. initially it was hard to sit there and not pick up my purse and run crying out of the door, but halfway through i began to find an inner strength about me. i felt as if i was protected from the overwhelming grief that was coming over me (for the umteenth million time since june) and suddenly i was at peace with our situation. i guess that's how you know people are praying for you to help you through the storm. there's really no other explanation for it.

we got a lot accomplished at this morning's doctor's appointment. we were finally able to meet with the midwife who'll be delivering Ava and leave the office with more answers than questions. due to my blood pressure issues and our desire to meet Ava alive we decided to go ahead and induce labor. initially i felt relief that there is finally a plan in place, but the more i think about it i'm even more scared that now there is a plan. scared that now we've chosen her birthday and more than likely the day she'll leave us for heaven also. again...guilt has set in. Ava has been such a precious gift and i don't want to give her back, but i will do what God asks of me and trust that He'll tell her about us and how much we love her. for now i'll hold onto the hope that on monday, october 11th she'll arrive alive and we can tell her how much we love her face to face...even if just for a few minutes.

Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10 

Lazy

wow, i've got to be the world's laziest blogger. i guess we've just been so busy that every time i try to sit down to write i get distracted (those with preschool aged kids can totally relate!). the last 2 weeks have flown by really. trying to keep things as normal as possible for boog during the never ending doctor's appointments which is not an easy task. my blood pressure has sky rocketed recently and it doesn't look like ava darling will be with us much longer. my body no longer wishes to cooperate and continuing the pregnancy is becoming very risky to my health. i'm not entirely ready to say goodbye, but i do have another child that i very well can't leave without a mother. tough decisions are ahead, but i'm so very thankful my husband's command is allowing him to stay home as long as we need so that we can be together during the difficult days ahead. god's blessings through this have been so very evident. i've met some pretty amazing people who've managed to befriend me during my darkest days and not complain about my gloominess (i swear i'm not usually a down and out kind of person), my husband's co's and their wives have shown us compassion and support beyond our wildest dreams, our families have wrapped their arms around us and complete strangers have reached out. i'm truly amazed at how god has used people to show us his love and plan in all of this. lesson learned the past 2 weeks: it's okay to ask and receive help when you need it! for those of you who know me well, i never ask for help with anything so this is definitely new territory :)

From the Beginning

well it's my very first blog post. i've been wanting to do this for awhile now, but have been putting it off for various reasons. writing is what i know and when you've had the summer my family has had you can understand why writing our story will help us to move on. 

our fairytale began

dh and i found out in march we were expecting a new addition to our little family. we were a little shocked considering we weren't trying, but thrilled to be adding a baby into the mix. in april we found out we weren't just going to be adding one baby to our family, but two...that's right twins! our joy soon turned to heartbreak when just 4 weeks later we found out baby b was no longer with us.we were of course devestated, but comforted by the fact that baby a appeared to be thriving.

fast forward another 3 weeks. 

my husband is in the navy and deployed at the end of may. it's not something we were looking forward to, especially with me being pregnant, but it's one of those things you just have to deal with. the first few days of him being gone were tough, but we made it through. 10 days after my husband left i got the phone call that would forever alter our lives.

fairytale interupted

have you ever felt like your world is crashing around you and you're left completely helpless while standing in the middle of the rubble? i have, in fact that's how i've felt since june. just after my husband deployed my doctor's office called to tell me the results of my quad screen had come back abnormal and they needed to move my ultrasound date up a week. immediately my stomach began twisting into a knot. i arrived for my ultrasound and to my delight...it's a GIRL! our hopes for a life filled with tea parties, ballet and dress up were soon crushed when one "marker" after another was found. these "markers" caused my doctor to refer us to the high risk specialist in our area. 

a week later all hope had been lost. the high risk doctor's advised me to have an amniocentesis and just a few days later our fears were confirmed. our precious daughter was diagnosed Full Trisomy 13, an extremely rare chromosomal abnormality that is not compatible with life outside the womb. in fact, it's one of the worst chromosome problems a baby can have and still be born alive although, not all babies who have it are born alive and rarely do they make it full term. our daughter isn't expected to live long after birth, if she makes it that far. we were told by our genetic counselor that in our case, this condition isn't hereditary but rather a "glitch" that occurred just after conception. 

what now?

we believe that God is the author of life and only He can write "the end" in her story. it's been a long road to walk in such a short amount of time, but we're determined to treasure every day that He gives us with our daughter. never in my worst nightmare did i think i'd have to plan the funeral of one of my children. to say my heart is completely shattered is an understatement.

how are we doing?
that's a loaded question! some days we're okay and others we're not. many times i've commented that this has to be some sort of dream that i'll wake up from soon. we try to take it one day at a time, one moment at a time. we still have many moments of sadness, disbelief, shock, anger and grief. we're at an interesting place to be at emotionally...grieving the daughter who is still alive inside of me, yet we know she can die at any moment. it's hard not to get lost in self pity or jealousy of friends whose babies are thriving. through it all though we hope that people will be drawn to God through her tiny little life.


1 Peter 5:10 "Keep a firm grip on the faith, your suffering won't last forever. Our generous God who has great plans for us in Christ,(eternal and glorious plans they are!) will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word!" 1 Peter 5:10